Bleeding Heart

Body modifications

2005-04-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

whoa..! so 2 gauge holes are also applicable to navels! scalpeled navels!~ imagine that! Hahaha.. navel scalpelling they call it. i love piercings and all.. but NOT THIS ONE! scalpel?! 8 mm navel- as big as the navel itself? no way! man, i am officially bored! haha! i am piercing my self everywhere! i keep piercing them and i dont have enough money to buy bbells or banana bells for them.. and i end up using the needles! haha! soon, ill be able to buy my barbells and stuff. ever since i pierced my navel, which by the way i dreaded so much that it would hurt like bitch but it didnt, i started to experiment on surface piercings. next week in class, we will have a return demo on injections. nervous? hmmm.. heheh. i havent done my sternum yet. and my multi navel project.. no funds! heck! oh well.. tomorrow is the punk show! HAHAH! YESSSSSS!!! VIOLENCE! ! ! ! I CANNOT WAIT! ! ! ill be back.. and ill post some pics about my PLANNED piercings.. BODY ART...

please. . . poke me. . .

2005-04-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

hMmm.. hMmm.. i love to be poked? hehe.. i am so damn happy that finaLLy- this so called CITY- has a piercing shop! ha! finaLLeeeee!! well, i do my piercings my self.. but this is my chance to FINALLY get that corset ive always wanted.! i have a one week old bellybutton pierce, and a couple of 2-day old vertical surface clavicles.. and i also have my industrial already, on my left ear! ill be gettin my sternum done. and the one below the bellybutton.. increase the gauge of my lobes.. and thats what ive decided for the next two weeks! hehe.. its not that painful actually.. yes, you feel a sting. but thats it! thats nothing.. HA HA. . i am currently addicted to surface piercings! ! i think they look really cool. . this is what i want : the CORSET: dreadfully beautifuL.. yeah! :

2005-03-22T14:45:00.000-08:00

my blog looks boring.. emily is cool .. guess i need to post more pics and stuffs.. ill add more links.. edit some stuffs, here and there.. i am just so pissed coz i cannot work on my blog. i have been in net cafes since yesterday. the internet connection at home is still busted.. hell with it! i dont feel like working on my blog when im at a cafe.. well, actually i can, if i have the money.. and if they have head phones here that ACTUALLY WORK!! ill work on the links now.. ciao! ! !

what happened to me? !

2005-03-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

whew.. almost a month since i last logged in here.. my apologies.. i have been dead busy for the finals... so what has happened for the last 2 or 3 weeks? well... daboy and i celebrated our first month together.. awwww.. we had the lousiest performance for the community study.. i finished ahse, well not really.. capping is not until next month. hmmm.. oh yeah.. i decided to learn skate boarding.. my boy friend is gonna leave his board with me here, i think..hmmm.. i think thats about it.. what an interesting life! ! HA-HA.. summer!!! wow!! i think this summer is gonna be cool. i will make this summer cool, even if we have summer classes. ill try to hone my guitar skills, learn skateoarding and try to ace my subjects! muhahahaha. . oh i love daboy! i just had to say that! i just had to! because i really do! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! FUCK ALL OF YOU COZ I REALLY DO! hahaha!

. . . resurrection . . .

2005-02-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

weee... feb's almost over.., finals are coming- that'll be like, two weeks from now... then.. classes are over! yesss! i do hope that id make it for the capping.. sigh.., anyway, i read my previous posts, and i realized that almost everything was so gloomy.. dark.. haha! well, thats why i am weird.. okay, i am not weird. i am GIFTED ! there is a difference. hell.! like i care if people call me weird, gothic or a POSER! (diba badangski! pastilan sila!poser ra atong lugar dani cdo!).. i know who i am.. and i dont give a shit about what they say. ! okay.. anyway . . i have been very very busy.. in school and other stuff. oh, speaking of school, those people in school.. argh !they annoy me.. they are making their own problems. and they are the ones complicating things.. we are like having this final requirement shit for our shitty nursing course.. whatever. and meyyyn! last saturday, even if i havent had enough sleep for like 2 days, i went out, had a few drink with my friends.. went to my friends house.. and went home by 3:30. nothing new really. but what was so different that time was that, i only have 20 bucks. and i was with my friend, who by the way, didnt have any money, not even a single cent ! we were at bulua.. so we took a jeepney. guess what,. after that, we only had 5 pesos left.. so i , together with my friend, walked home from punchbowl. my friend had to go home at macajalar.. poor him.. hehehe.. but.. everything was cool. my parents never caught me.. i arrived at 4 am in the morning! whew!! thats what i call luck! hahaha! til here.. i have to download some songs.. ciao!

sigh

2005-02-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

well.. its been like 3 days.. and ive been singing to coheed and cambria all day.. meyyyn., i feel so lonely.. damn! hopeless romantic geeky me! argh! i seem to have no luck in love.. hehe. but i do like someone right now. and whats so cool about it is that he doesn't know anything about it.! oh well.. but i really really like him! so much! ahhhhh!! meyyyN! :,(

shit

2005-02-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

i am so fuckin pissed off! i hate it when i cant do what i want to do! i hate it when i cant go where i want to go.. BECAUSE I AM ALONE! i hate to be fuckin alone!! so like, in times when i just want to go out, have some fun.. I CANNOT! BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO GO WITH!! FUCK THIS WORLD! i AM SO FREAKIN PISSED!!!! ARGGGGHHHH!!!!

thank you !

2005-02-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

so i am not alone..! thanks patriot..! you are a cool person.. this post is especially made for you! weeee!!! anyway, i appreciate your tags and the other info that you add up.. salvage! yeah.. Filipinos... tsk tsk tsk.. confusing world, huh? oh well.. why don't you share some ideas, then maybe we can write something about it together.. let's combine our ideas, see how it comes out! hahaha! [smiles] anyway, i cant think of anything aside from valentine's day.. -sigh- guess itll be another lonely day for me!

pictures..pictures..

2005-02-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

whatever

2005-01-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

well... im not in the mood to write anything substantial here.. duh! like i write anything substantial! muahahaha! i just want to relax.. watch tv... relax.. take pictures... relax.. read.. relax.. you know.. stuffs like that.. hehehe.. i'll be back later by dawn! ciao!

bete noire

2005-01-29T04:49:00.000-08:00

the title is a noun. it means something or someone particularly detested or avoided. my bete noire- failure. i slept immediately after arriving from school. that was 7pm.. woke up by 2am.. watched The Incredibles. Laughed my butt off. studied for the RD. cup of coffee. and my boyfriend- My Computer.. haha. this is my life. did i bore you? well sorry punk, you're in boreville.. and you'll get everything here- especially.. boredom.. kidding. :-) im not that strange, i know how to joke. oh man.. Rd.. RD.. RD.. i'm the first one to perform for the RD. good one bianx- sir i would like to volunteer for tomorrow. ill perform first! damn..well at least id have nothing else to worry bout for the rest of the freakin' RLE class. got pissed yesterday. gawsh, i am such a retard! what happened to me? my grades.. everything! i am so freakin' pissed off! yesterday- that day just drained every last drop of energy outta me! i went home, literally, as a bag of skin, bones, muscles and fat- no care in the worLd. went up to my room and slept with my uniform on. new day ahead of me today. i sure hope so. i hope ill do good with my RD.. that will surely be a good start for the day. well, gotta take my morning trip to the comfort zone- the toilet.. [ah.. the freedom. the echo. the most sensual element-water. comforting.. sooo comforting.]

Economy. Dollars. Fill her up!. Suicide.

2005-01-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Those words came to me one time as I having my moment of solitary contemplation. Never did I care about the going-ons of the countrys economy. As long as I had something to eat and drink- I was fine! Leave me out of the gross reality of the matter. I may find peace and identity with my apathy, but I just cannot occlude myself of the fact that the economy is important- the economy needs me. Oh hear comes the gasconade! The economy is not a matter to be tackled solely by the economists, the businessmen nor the pretentiously assiduous politicians . This must be participated by everyone. Most especially us, the consumers, the majority of the population! I never bothered with the Philippine economy when I heard of her endless list of debts and her economic graphs in a waterfall-direction. That’s why I wanted to leave the country so bad. I mean if Id work my ass off 24/7 for 5 years, I still wont have the cash to buy me a car, a house or whatever. I thought, if Id go abroad, life would be easier, that is of course if I have the mental and physiologic capabilities to land on a good job. So its a risk actually. But the opportunity cost of not working abroad is greater than temporarily forgetting about nationalism and actually working there. So yeah, that justifies it.

Intellectual response….

2005-01-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

“Expression one of the fruits of knowledge. What you have written is inspirational! It is very good! Good stuff pao! Your ideas express who you are and through that paper I saw a more vivid picture of you. Not that I dont know ya already, its just that what you wrote was spectacular. Forgive some people pao because they don’t know you. Stereo-typing is a very dangerous thing. How I wish they could read your paper. What you wrote is something like of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code, because you unearthed the true meaning of the symbols that you express. I can’t wait to check your blog, and read whatcha got in there. You’re a strong person and I admire you for that…not so many girls nowadays express their thoughts or virility. In a way, you live in a world surrounded by blind people. People who think differently of you, people who think wrong things about ya, yet you stand by your principle. There is nothing, I mean nothing, wrong for what you believe. ‘Every faith in the world is fabricated’ as what Dan Brown says, although we have different beliefs, we stand in respect with each other and I believe that this is the most important thing; accepting people for who they are. 5 years, 10 years or 20 years from now, maybe we will become different persons and have different outlooks in life, but even then, I will always accept you! You are what you are Paola. Thanks for letting me read your paper. Looking forward for more! Keep writing my friend! Express! Live! And don’t forget, Don’t give a rat’s ass to what others say!” -Psychowriter

Psychowriter is one of my closest friends. I totally admire this guy for his wits, his humor, and most especially, his mind. He is exceptional! I always have intellectual conversations with him..

Thank you to The Patriot. . .! you gave me inspiration..

2005-01-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

for the people reading this.. read the tags on the left side first.. tags posted by The Patriot and my responses. i am happy because i am not the only one reading this blog. at last there was one person who was willing and spared his time to enter my shambolic thoughts. okay. let me have this post to explain myself. you may think that i am a disturbed teen, having the blog as a way to express her thoughts. for me: true AND false. true because my blog is MY way of sharing my ideas.. False because it is NOT the ONLY way.. i have my friends and my family. AND, i am NOT, i repeat, i am NOT disturbed.. i may have a lot of piercings and i may wear black all the time.. but i am not disturbed. ask me, why do i pierce myself a lot? honestly, it gives me self-esteem. i mean, i do my own piercings, and when i'm wearing it, it's like i'm saying "wow.. i did this.. and what the hell are you looking at?" and why do i wear black all the time? because it gives the facade of a slender body. so you see, i have justifications to my actions and my words. I AM NOT TRENDY..

so with regards to anarchism, hedonism and the occult [?].. let me tackle this one by one.. let's start off with ANARCHISM. what is anarchism? anarchism is a generic term describing various political philosophies and social movements that advocate the elimination of hierarchy and imposed authority. These philosophies use anarchy to mean a society based on voluntary cooperation of free individuals. Philosophical anarchist thought does not advocate chaos or anomie — it intends "anarchy" to refer to a manner of human relations that is intentionally established and maintained. so you see, it is not merely a print on a shirt that the punk posers wear. this is what i dont like about trends. they make things look shallow. and people take them blindly! take che guevarra for example. people wear his face because a lot of other people do! they do not even know who he really is and what his contribution to this world is! same with anarchy. with the mainstream explosion (re explosion actually) of punk, people wear anarchy as a label. as a symbol. i admire those who wear the symbol and know its meaning. i despise those who wear the symbol BLINDLY. anarchy is a philosophy. it is an idea. it was a result of years of tumultous battles with the negative effects of heirarchy and tyrannic authorities. it was created based on necessity to rid themselves [people before] of their problems. anarchy is when people voluntarily cooperate with eachother. and they have this commonality, no intervention or attachment with any form of authority. so it is not merely a letter A inside a circle. anarchy was closely associated with chaos due to the fact that when this philosophy arose, people were shocked with this radical idea. especially those who could not separate themselves with authority. the result- chaos. BUT, anarchy is not chaos in its self. chaos came about because of the introduction of anarchy to people who did not give this philosophy a chance to be understood. i wear the symbol of anarchy. i am open to the idea. maybe as an escape route because our government is shaming me? NO it is because i have opened my mind with this idea due to the reason i mentioned a while ago.when i wear the symbol, i am saying " i am open to anarchy. are you? are you willing to have an intellectual conversation with me?" i am saying anarchy is possible because it IS...

with regards to the my statement "agnosticism gives wisdom and atheism is not a crime." it is some sort of a wake-up call for those who have blind faith. agnosticism-wisdom, atheism-not a crime. mismatched, it seems. THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT! when you read it, it makes you think at first, "what?" then,.. with further thought "hmm on second thought, it does ..." so you see, i said those not for my sake, but for yours. for you to THINK about it. now that SOMEBODY ASKED YOU TO. now that somebody stirred your mind to do So. what i said is not blasphemous. its only logical, rational. although i admit that it can give quite a shock for those who stick to their faith with all their hearts. but i would like to clear out that it is not in my intentions to insult anyone in any religion or to execrate any religion for that matter.

just do not be mistaken with the image of my blog. dont think of it as me. look at it as YOU, then you tell ME what you think about what YOU thought regarding my posts. puzzling? I KNOW. THAT IS WHY THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR INTELLECTUALS. sorry for the discrimination, but the line has to be drawn to keep the intellectual atmosphere of this blog.

discursive. . .

2005-01-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day... i just wanted to write something.. my mind is still not in the right state to talk about economics and the government.. so.. valentine's day.. what i loved most about valentine's day when i was young was all the candies and the chocolates. my mum would buy lots of it so we have something to do- munch on sweets! another thing was the flowers and gifts. i'd always see this particular cousin of mine that was always flooded with suitors. all of them would bring flowers, then chocolates. i mean, dude, even if you bought the most expensive chocolates and 10 dozens of holland roses, if you have the face of a creature, toad and alligator combined, don't expect that my cousin would be there by the time you step foot on our lawn (just me and my thoughts). but there was this one person that she liked, and i'll tell you, he is CUTE! i peeped through the window and watched them talk.. he brought those yellow roses [bunch of 'em] which amazed me because i never saw yellow roses before! anyway, i loved it.. the thought of valentine's, love, flowers, cute guy- ugh.. dreamy.! and i thought, someday, that'll happen to me... well, that day hasn't come yet, even after 13 valentine's days... oh well. how many days before valentine's? 20 days! so what? for me, valentine's day is jealous day. in school, id see those girls with flowers, with their boyfriends.. i get jealous. but only for that day! then by february 15, back to my old solitary aspastic geeky self.. it's because during V day, almost everyone gets hit with cupid's arrow, except me.. maybe cupid makes it a point to shoot arrows while i'm inside the bathroom.. i don't know.. darn it. not that i'm dying to fall in love.. it's not even in my list.. i'll just for the right time. i won't rush things this time.. what i want is, for a change, something NICE will happen to me this valentine's day.. i don't want to be stuck at home watching cheesy love stories anymore! oh well, i'll just be ready with my dvd's for valentine's day! and oh, let us not forget the tissues!

i want to get away

2005-01-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

i just want to get away from it all... i want to leave this place! i want to be on my own.. i want to be independent... pathetic as i was, i tried to pretend that i live alone.. i tried to do my own laundry, cook my own food, buy my own stuff, but it's just not the same with my dad asking me "want me to drive you to school..?" my brother telling me "we have to rent this dvd" or my mom telling me "guess what i brought for you!!!!"... i mean, it's not that i dont want them around. but how the fuck am i going to have an illusion of independence with all that disturbance! well, you can't expect me to ignore them and continue with my illusion.. they'd think i am out of my mind... well, they already did.. they were like, what the hell is wrong with her??! she is doing her own laundry?! and what the hell is she wearing...?! but they accepted me... i tried to show them that i can live alone.. that i can do it.. that i am not weak and i won't just fall into traps and temptations... i know they think that, "maybe she's old enough..." but they just try to deny it.. i am 17, but i am already in 2nd year college for pete's sake!! i am not assuming that i already know everything! but what i am so pissed about is that they still look at me as if i am this 170-pound 12 year old they used to see when i was a sophie in high school.. knock knock!! i am about to be done with my sophie year in college!!!! i am old enough! deal with it! and it's not like i am planning to get married and have kids and all.. reality check: i just want to study in a different school.. have a scholarship... out of this fuckin corrupt country they call the "fill-up-pines"... shit... now i am reminded of the gross fact that the Philippines is the second most corrupt country.. just another reason for me to leave the country.. and don't talk to me about patriotism,,, what am i supposed to do, stay in this country forever until i'll end up an unemployed hag living in a filthy apartment with the philippine flag hanging every where? still hoping that the country will be lifted from economic suicide?! wait.. where was i ? oh yeah.. i want to live on my own... i want to be in my own dorm, then i'd have my "were-in-college-so-let's-enjoy" roommate who'd always bring her boyfriend over... then i'd go the university library and read all the books.. i'd eat at the university cafeteria and meet nice people, who are also in search of intellectual growth and intellectual virtue... *sigh* now i am depressed.. that picture is stuck in my head... i just wish it would happen.. tell me i'm being too dreamy... i know i am.. but i am the type who dreams, and tries to make it happen! you're thinking "she is watching too much teeny movies man.." well fuck you! don't tell me you haven't given yourself the time to think of your desire to be on your own! ! [calm down] well, i guess i better start clicking off! who knows, maybe my future is 2000 clicks away?! haha...

green with envy

2005-01-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

okay... at least my blog has somewhat a new look. it has pictures, period. hehehe.. my eyes are really strained- 'been facing the monitor for 3 hours straight, acting like i dont have an exam tomorrow! [exams.. damn.. i still have my Health Care exam tomorrow]

it bothers me. why is it that some people, whom i think [out of my jealousy] are undeserving, get all the luck? they get all the chances and the opportunities. then it came to me- resources. damn that word. when talking about resources, it only means one thing for me- money! even if they are such a bitch and such a hypocrite, if they have the cash, they can do anything they want! fuck them! [fuck her!] Money- a source of personal identity, social roles, social stratification.. nonsense. but its true! it is! in this world full of capitalists and corrupt politicians... money leads the way! sometimes.. well most of the time.. i wish i had all the money in the world- then i would have left this place. i would have been studying at Yale University.. i would have lived alone [dorm], i would have been independent, i would have had all the stuff that i needed, the luxuries and necessities [car, a really cool phone, laptop etc.].. then probably i would have met a really smart and really cute boyfriend! dream on... ''i would haves..'' -> i have a lot of these... [sigh] if all of those [my would haves] were a point on an economic graph, it would be somewhere outside the PPC curve... hehehe... oh well.. i'll just work my sorry ass off to attain that 2 or 3 years from now.

*sigh* i really hate it when i have thoughts like that. it depresses me.. makes me feel 'cheated'... it totally sucks.. not that my life here is bad or anything.. i'm just hoping for somethin better. someday.. maybe... 'gues i'll start here and do what i have to do to go 'there'. . . [so do good in school bitch!]

M o r i b u n d

2005-01-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

graverplate.. a simple font... but not every PC has it. coz obviously, all i can see in my blog is the usual and boring times new roman font.. anyway, i am in the process of overhauling my blog.. but sadly, i am in this 'cafe' in front of our university and gawsh, this pc is like so 1989 . so i'll just do it at home, at the comforts of my black leather seat, the feeling of carpet against my socked feet,,, you know... (laughs) just finished three exams today.. three brainy exams: sts, rle and ethics..

i guess your wondering why my title is moribund... the word just came to me.. it means the state of being outmoded. im a little pissed off because somebody at friendster copied my picture... i mean, it would have been fine if he got it at the same site '[where i found it] and then edited it and all.. but he plainly "copied" it from me. oh well, i guess that is the price to pay when you copy pics from other people's blogs! wahaha! but at least i had the initiative of editing it! if this topic were plagiarism, my act would be under [i think] the rephrasing thing. it's like copying something and changing a few words.. [something i did of when it came to reseaches...but that was HighSchool!]

anyway, i feel really tired and annoyed with this archaic piece of technology that i am stuck with. and oh.. here's something i found.. this really amazed me.. read:

"cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrdwaht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor ofthe hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch atCmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in wahtoredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olnyiprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihsis bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raedervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thoughtslpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!!!"

the human mind. hmmm... it never fails to amaze me. . . i am very interested in child psychology...neurology.. whatever. 'hope i can get into that someday.... gotta end here. . [i hate this keyboard!]

2005-01-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

oh well. . . got this from yahoo..

2005-01-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

this.. tsk tsk tsk.. if i am "mad" [like this].. i won't say this or advertise it or whatever.. i mean, respect other people's beliefs.. i admire the drive to be heard.. but this.. this is too much..

i'm an apathetic christian, i admit... i am an enemy of the church.. not that i'm proud of it.. i keep it to myself.. i used to think that i can consider myself as an atheist.. but i dont really fit that category.. i mean, i was brought up in a devout Catholic family.. went to a Catholic school.. i know a thing or two about Christianity... but i just followed everything blindly.. (blind faith of Catholicism) i recited memorized prayers because i was asked to. there was a time in my highschool life when i was like so 'into' my religion.. and then i thought, 'why? who do i believe in a supreme being?' it was that time when i started to doubt.. i introduced Paganism, specifically Wicca, into my life. i thought that maybe this would work for me. worshipping the Moon, nature.. not bad.. i totally respect the religion.. but it just doesn't fit my lifestyle. so i left... i thought.. "paola, you cannot even try to a single supreme being, now you're planning to worship the Moon, the elementas?! you cannot even swallow being a monotheist, now you're trying to be a polytheist?" so i gave up...
i thought, so what if i'm catholic.. nothing's gonna change anyway, whether i accept my family's religion or not.. it's just there.. then i'll just let it be there.. respect it.. this is how apathetic i am ! religion and the so called supreme being is something psychological for me.. but i cannot dismiss its possibilty. maybe it's there to answer unanswered questions.. maybe it' there because it is real. maybe it is there because people needed some assurance.. who knows! so for me, i am open to that idea [a God] but that's it. apathy- greatest enemy of any religion.. imagine if all of us are apathetic.. [it IS happening.. slowly..] there would be no such thing as religion in the near future...

care to read?

2005-01-19T10:13:00.000-08:00

... loneliness is sweet.. it is... am i saying this because i really mean it? or because i have no choice but to just say it because i am really freakin' lonely? well... i mean it. didn't give much thought to that did i?.. wahaha! anyway,. i often get my self into situations that i have been trying really hard not to get into.. (what?!) it's times like this that i wish to get away from it all... it has always been my dream to live alone.. like, when you enter college, you're away from home, and you live in the university dormitory.. you know, the typical university life we see in movies. *sigh* hmmm.. someday, when i graduate from the college of nursing.. independence will be mine when i decide to take up Medicine.. (here i go again with my plans..) i'm hoping to get a scholarship at a University in the States.. i think it's possible.. but before all of that, im working my ass off with this Nursing shit.. not that i dont like the course or anything.

wait.. this entry is supposed to be about pathetic little (little?!) me and the thing they call "love".. well, some other time i guess.. hmmmm.. on second thought...

aherm.. cough.. cough.. love.. romantic love.. unlucky me. hehehe... well yeah, i've fallen in love once or twice, but i also had my share or fall-outs and failures... maybe i haven't met the real one.. no, it's not that..(make up your mine geek!) i think, it's because i have this 'picture' of my ideal guy in my head.. but then i meet people.. not that they have any similarities with my ideal guy... but,.. i met them, i liked them.. and eventually i get this 'itch' to get away from it all.. you may call it chickening-out.. but i call it- boredom. i'm tired of the 'what if it would work' crap.. i've had enough! im not taking risks anymore.. i'll just wait.. wait.. and wait.. when that gut feeling comes, ('he IS the one') maybe things would finally work out. who knows.. so i'll go back to my cave, sit and wait.. i've more important things to attend to anyway.. i can stomach the feeling of loneliness until a period of time.. maybe until the time im thirty and thriving!

bored? me too.. 'till here..

what the hell is EMO?

2005-01-16T04:20:00.000-08:00

Emo is a type of music. Short for emotional. However, a lot of people have taken it beyond the music and turned it into a way to dress. A lot of old school people (ha ha) get really pissed off at this new "wave" of people that have jumped on the bandwagon and are dressing this way. what the f***. . . now they are treating emo as a trend... damn.. i even found webs sites that say.. "how to dress emo.." *sigh* if you wear saucony shoes, it doesn't mean you are emo... if you are pathetic, 'doesn't mean you're emo! if you have a zelda haircut, it doesn;t mean you're emo!!! get it?

hahay... wonder why..

2005-01-16T04:00:00.000-08:00

“Delve into me”

As I undress my self of doubt,
Of hesitation and of fear
Delve into me
Like how you always wanted
Free yourself from all your questions, and let
Your desire take over.
Agitation, you’ll lick your lips,
Eyes dilate; your heart’s pumping fast.
Release your longing
Feed your Lust and carnal hunger.
Caress me with your craving
Touch me with your yearning.
Let your fingers run through me,
And my spine will fill with the thirst of you
As we loll into satin sheets
Hold me with your firm hand
Your breath, warm against my skin,
Your fingers will work like mine when I’m lonely
I’ll bite my lip as you fill me with contempt
Let your warm tongue travel to my mouth
I’ll open up
And we’ll linger into that moment of happiness
Your grasp; tight, your eyes will close
I’ll look at you as I release short breaths of desire
We’ll dance together harmoniously
Let’s satisfy each other’s appetite.
You’ll come inside me with all your passion’s intent
The sound of moans, music to our ears
And I’ll vibrate and shudder in the shadow of the night
I’ll hide to clock
For this longing of ours to never end
Delve into me,
Use me and satisfy me.

.

we said:

2005-01-15T22:28:00.001-08:00

manipulate me,
i want to be weak.
lie frantically,whisper that you love me,
and use me.
You are gorgeous,
and I am falling.
I will Never go away.
Play my bare breast,
scream, shake, and moan,
and take my sordid flower
and let this ache stop.

my heart bleeds... sniff...

2005-01-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

Stuck in my world of oblivion
Have a world of my own,
Where the stench of human existence
Is absent
Emotionally troubled,
Filled with a distorted aura
Where are you?
Save me, unveil me
No longer can I take this
My heart bleeds
Scuttling and dawdling,
Paradoxical vivacity.
My heart bleeds
Satiated with melancholy,
Yet still a trace of optimism.
My psyche torments me
Realized the pain of loneliness.
Waiting in the dark, surviving
With the verve of my bleeding heart.
I am drained but expectant
That it would stop
Possible, when all the stars fall from the sky.

crap... tsk tsk tsk...

2005-01-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

“couldn’t be”

Troubled,
Trying to mask the fear
That hovers like a dark cloud above me
Could it have happened
Or is it just me and my friend-
Paranoia?
Couldn’t be, I thought..
But the acerbic thought of possibility
Wrings my soul-
Draining it with its life
That used to flow like an embolus
Of excitement through the venules of
The forbidden.
Couldn’t be, I continue
To assure my self
Redirecting my thoughts to a utopia,
Where I won’t have days like this.